The Weight

Good Morning again, blog!

This is entry number 2 for me....again from work.  But what am I to do?  My job is so boring and I am only given enough work to fill a quarter of the day. 

Today I am wondering about weight and my body.  It seems to fluctuate so much.  While I maintain the same weight, I seem to get steadily bigger.  I really don't understand it.  Weight really creeps up on me and is so hard to get rid of.  My goal is to get a job soon that I can ride my bike to.  I am very excited for the weather to break.  It seems I have so many excuses for why I am heavier than I should be.  My favorite is my desk job.  I truly love food, though, so it is hard to justify giving up good meals for a few pounds.  I would rather exercise, but with the commute its the last thing I want to do when I get home.  No, I think I finally have the answer.  I need to get a job that I can ride my bike to or walk to.  That would be great.  In the meantime, I am just trying to maintain my weight and not get any bigger.  I am also trying to not get frustrated or down on myself. 

In high school and most of college I was tiny.  I am still not huge by any means, but going from being small and fit to being what I consider slightly overweight can be very frustrating.  It is also frustrating to see people around me also struggle with weight.  I am not the only one.  I work in an office full of women and they all diet like me and never seem to change size.  It is just difficult.  I also have a suspicious that I am at the 'baby-making' age and my body is packing on the pounds in preparation of reproduction.  Well, guess what body, if I reproduce at all it will not be for years, so why don't we just be thin for now until I say it is time? 

When you are not happy with the way you look, you assume other people are not happy with the way you look.  I do not think my boyfriend minds my size, but I know he wishes I was smaller, sexier.  I also think that if me gaining weight got out of hand that he would tell me.  More than that, we have been together almost 3 years and the positives of our relationship far outweigh any of the negatives.  Although I can't help thinking that sometime in the not-so-distant future we will be getting married, and I want to look the best that I ever have when that happens.

I am not someone who has struggled with weight my whole life, so this is relatively new to me.  The last 3 to 4 years is when I have really started to feel uncomfortable with myself.  I really just need to find my niche.  I am hoping I know what that is.  I think that I really need to find some way to exercise in my daily routine...riding a bike to work.  It is a work in progress, but a part of me can't help thinking that these are my young years and I am wasting them by being uncomfortable with myself.  Maybe I will always be dissatisfied with myself...but I don't believe that.  I think I can make changes, but I haven't had the opportunity to make the changes that I want to make yet.  Soon I hope.