As horrible as this is, and as much as I love the people in my life, I truly hope that no one ever reads this. I am from a small town and it seems that everywhere I turn I am having to be somebody. Be that girl from high school, be the girl that worked at Subway, be that girl that was so smart and going someplace, be someone's sister, be someone's daughter, be someone's granddaughter. It is not that I want to be a nobody, I just want to be somebody different.
I traveled to France, and I think that I really thrived there in part because I knew nobody. It was so terribly frightening for about 24 hours. Once I had my first conversation, there was no looking back. I went places by myself in a foreign country, I had experiences, I just lived. There is no way to describe walking around in a totally foreign place, taking it all in, and the peace and satisfaction that you feel in doing so. I always want to go back and talk about traveling, but I know that experience will never be replicated. I was in college, I was younger and single, and I didn't understand financial burden yet. It was perfect. Sure, I might have missed some opportunities while there, or made some bad decisions, but in looking back I regret nothing. Every bad experience I had was a life lesson and all the many, many good ones can never be replicated or replaced, only remembered.
It is funny, my heart used to yearn to be abroad, but now I just look back and smile. I still have a strong desire to travel, don't get me wrong, but you realize the sacrifices you make to live that lifestyle. I always wanted to be a vagabond and a scholar. I wanted to push academia to the limits and storm politics, but the trade offs to such a life are just not me. I do not like being alone. I like and need companionship. You might say, oh you can have friends and date, but you can't sustain a relationship or build a life. The person I choose to spend my life with, I don't ever want to miss him. I don't want business or anything to force me to be away from that man. I think I am with the right person now, and he IS forced to be away for work. We both hate it. It is one thing to take your alone time or go out on your own to do your own thing. It is a completely different thing when you don't get to make the choice to be apart. I think that space in a relationship is good, even necessary, but forced distance is not.
It is almost quitting time. Thank you, again blog, for helping me kill time at work. I might be killing less time soon if I get this new job. That would be great for me, but not you...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Weight
Good Morning again, blog!
This is entry number 2 for me....again from work. But what am I to do? My job is so boring and I am only given enough work to fill a quarter of the day.
Today I am wondering about weight and my body. It seems to fluctuate so much. While I maintain the same weight, I seem to get steadily bigger. I really don't understand it. Weight really creeps up on me and is so hard to get rid of. My goal is to get a job soon that I can ride my bike to. I am very excited for the weather to break. It seems I have so many excuses for why I am heavier than I should be. My favorite is my desk job. I truly love food, though, so it is hard to justify giving up good meals for a few pounds. I would rather exercise, but with the commute its the last thing I want to do when I get home. No, I think I finally have the answer. I need to get a job that I can ride my bike to or walk to. That would be great. In the meantime, I am just trying to maintain my weight and not get any bigger. I am also trying to not get frustrated or down on myself.
In high school and most of college I was tiny. I am still not huge by any means, but going from being small and fit to being what I consider slightly overweight can be very frustrating. It is also frustrating to see people around me also struggle with weight. I am not the only one. I work in an office full of women and they all diet like me and never seem to change size. It is just difficult. I also have a suspicious that I am at the 'baby-making' age and my body is packing on the pounds in preparation of reproduction. Well, guess what body, if I reproduce at all it will not be for years, so why don't we just be thin for now until I say it is time?
When you are not happy with the way you look, you assume other people are not happy with the way you look. I do not think my boyfriend minds my size, but I know he wishes I was smaller, sexier. I also think that if me gaining weight got out of hand that he would tell me. More than that, we have been together almost 3 years and the positives of our relationship far outweigh any of the negatives. Although I can't help thinking that sometime in the not-so-distant future we will be getting married, and I want to look the best that I ever have when that happens.
I am not someone who has struggled with weight my whole life, so this is relatively new to me. The last 3 to 4 years is when I have really started to feel uncomfortable with myself. I really just need to find my niche. I am hoping I know what that is. I think that I really need to find some way to exercise in my daily routine...riding a bike to work. It is a work in progress, but a part of me can't help thinking that these are my young years and I am wasting them by being uncomfortable with myself. Maybe I will always be dissatisfied with myself...but I don't believe that. I think I can make changes, but I haven't had the opportunity to make the changes that I want to make yet. Soon I hope.
This is entry number 2 for me....again from work. But what am I to do? My job is so boring and I am only given enough work to fill a quarter of the day.
Today I am wondering about weight and my body. It seems to fluctuate so much. While I maintain the same weight, I seem to get steadily bigger. I really don't understand it. Weight really creeps up on me and is so hard to get rid of. My goal is to get a job soon that I can ride my bike to. I am very excited for the weather to break. It seems I have so many excuses for why I am heavier than I should be. My favorite is my desk job. I truly love food, though, so it is hard to justify giving up good meals for a few pounds. I would rather exercise, but with the commute its the last thing I want to do when I get home. No, I think I finally have the answer. I need to get a job that I can ride my bike to or walk to. That would be great. In the meantime, I am just trying to maintain my weight and not get any bigger. I am also trying to not get frustrated or down on myself.
In high school and most of college I was tiny. I am still not huge by any means, but going from being small and fit to being what I consider slightly overweight can be very frustrating. It is also frustrating to see people around me also struggle with weight. I am not the only one. I work in an office full of women and they all diet like me and never seem to change size. It is just difficult. I also have a suspicious that I am at the 'baby-making' age and my body is packing on the pounds in preparation of reproduction. Well, guess what body, if I reproduce at all it will not be for years, so why don't we just be thin for now until I say it is time?
When you are not happy with the way you look, you assume other people are not happy with the way you look. I do not think my boyfriend minds my size, but I know he wishes I was smaller, sexier. I also think that if me gaining weight got out of hand that he would tell me. More than that, we have been together almost 3 years and the positives of our relationship far outweigh any of the negatives. Although I can't help thinking that sometime in the not-so-distant future we will be getting married, and I want to look the best that I ever have when that happens.
I am not someone who has struggled with weight my whole life, so this is relatively new to me. The last 3 to 4 years is when I have really started to feel uncomfortable with myself. I really just need to find my niche. I am hoping I know what that is. I think that I really need to find some way to exercise in my daily routine...riding a bike to work. It is a work in progress, but a part of me can't help thinking that these are my young years and I am wasting them by being uncomfortable with myself. Maybe I will always be dissatisfied with myself...but I don't believe that. I think I can make changes, but I haven't had the opportunity to make the changes that I want to make yet. Soon I hope.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The Beginning
Where is the beginning? I suppose the beginning of this blog is a long time coming. I have been stuck in a rut since graduating from college. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, but the dreams we create when we are in high school and even through college are squished by the harsh reality of life. I have come to terms with this, and I live my life to the fullest (despite the boring underpaid job I work just to pay my student loans). This blog is much needed in my life as a creative outlook, a release, and a place for anonymity where I can divulge the truth about myself, although it may be to no one but myself. I don't expect anyone to read this. I have no intention of putting it on my facebook or telling anyone, but if someone does read this, and it provides them with some form of entertainment, that would be ok too.
I am currently at work. I work at a desk answering phones in a podunk town in Indiana. In fact, I commute to this podunk town to keep this job as I recently moved with my boyfriend to a more exciting town down the road. Commuting to a shitty job...that college education came a long way. I could interject here with my story, and how I got here and my college life, but it brings me down. You see, I love every part of my life except where am I professionally. I love my boyfriend, I love where I live, my family is tolerable at the moment and I have two awesome dogs! It is that 40 hours a week that sucks the life out of me. I want to keep up on world news, and my French speaking, and politics, but its not really a topic of conversation in this office. I always kept up with those issues in class. Am I losing all that I have accomplished? Is settling for a boring non-stimulating job holding me back? Maybe, but what other option do I have? I don't want to move away, but at the same time I do not see a lot of opportunities for the careers I want. I want to work for an NGO or a Non-Profit. I want to be immersed in the great issues of the time like I was in college. Unfortunately, no one wants to pay you for that kind of stuff....sure, you hear about people who get paid to do that. You also hear about people getting paid to play video games. But do you know anyone like that?
I am probably holding myself back, but I don't want to move and I can't afford grad school, so here I am. Trying to make a lousy career and enjoy life so later I can get on track to do what I want. That is the plan anyway. Because the truth is, freedom for me is making a good living and following my dreams in my spare time. Kudos to whomever can incorporate dreams into career, but right now that is not me.
So besides the whole job thing, my life is pretty good. I call this a quarter life crisis because I am always searching for fulfillment...even in just having enough crappy work to keep my busy all day. Unfortunately my work only takes me about 2 hours a day...hence the blog. Save me from boredom, save me from job hunting, won't someone recognize what I am capable of and come get me? Give me a chance? Maybe one day.
I am currently at work. I work at a desk answering phones in a podunk town in Indiana. In fact, I commute to this podunk town to keep this job as I recently moved with my boyfriend to a more exciting town down the road. Commuting to a shitty job...that college education came a long way. I could interject here with my story, and how I got here and my college life, but it brings me down. You see, I love every part of my life except where am I professionally. I love my boyfriend, I love where I live, my family is tolerable at the moment and I have two awesome dogs! It is that 40 hours a week that sucks the life out of me. I want to keep up on world news, and my French speaking, and politics, but its not really a topic of conversation in this office. I always kept up with those issues in class. Am I losing all that I have accomplished? Is settling for a boring non-stimulating job holding me back? Maybe, but what other option do I have? I don't want to move away, but at the same time I do not see a lot of opportunities for the careers I want. I want to work for an NGO or a Non-Profit. I want to be immersed in the great issues of the time like I was in college. Unfortunately, no one wants to pay you for that kind of stuff....sure, you hear about people who get paid to do that. You also hear about people getting paid to play video games. But do you know anyone like that?
I am probably holding myself back, but I don't want to move and I can't afford grad school, so here I am. Trying to make a lousy career and enjoy life so later I can get on track to do what I want. That is the plan anyway. Because the truth is, freedom for me is making a good living and following my dreams in my spare time. Kudos to whomever can incorporate dreams into career, but right now that is not me.
So besides the whole job thing, my life is pretty good. I call this a quarter life crisis because I am always searching for fulfillment...even in just having enough crappy work to keep my busy all day. Unfortunately my work only takes me about 2 hours a day...hence the blog. Save me from boredom, save me from job hunting, won't someone recognize what I am capable of and come get me? Give me a chance? Maybe one day.
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