Anonymity

As horrible as this is, and as much as I love the people in my life, I truly hope that no one ever reads this.  I am from a small town and it seems that everywhere I turn I am having to be somebody.  Be that girl from high school, be the girl that worked at Subway, be that girl that was so smart and going someplace, be someone's sister, be someone's daughter, be someone's granddaughter.  It is not that I want to be a nobody, I just want to be somebody different.

I traveled to France, and I think that I really thrived there in part because I knew nobody.  It was so terribly frightening for about 24 hours.  Once I had my first conversation, there was no looking back.  I went places by myself in a foreign country, I had experiences, I just lived.  There is no way to describe walking around in a totally foreign place, taking it all in, and the peace and satisfaction that you feel in doing so.  I always want to go back and talk about traveling, but I know that experience will never be replicated.  I was in college, I was younger and single, and I didn't understand financial burden yet.  It was perfect.  Sure, I might have missed some opportunities while there, or made some bad decisions, but in looking back I regret nothing.  Every bad experience I had was a life lesson and all the many, many good ones can never be replicated or replaced, only remembered.

It is funny, my heart used to yearn to be abroad, but now I just look back and smile.  I still have a strong desire to travel, don't get me wrong, but you realize the sacrifices you make to live that lifestyle.  I always wanted to be a vagabond and a scholar.  I wanted to push academia to the limits and storm politics, but the trade offs to such a life are just not me.  I do not like being alone.  I like and need companionship.  You might say, oh you can have friends and date, but you can't sustain a relationship or build a life.  The person I choose to spend my life with, I don't ever want to miss him.  I don't want business or anything to force me to be away from that man.  I think I am with the right person now, and he IS forced to be away for work.  We both hate it.  It is one thing to take your alone time or go out on your own to do your own thing.  It is a completely different thing when you don't get to make the choice to be apart.  I think that space in a relationship is good, even necessary, but forced distance is not.

It is almost quitting time.  Thank you, again blog, for helping me kill time at work.  I might be killing less time soon if I get this new job.  That would be great for me, but not you...